Black Dating, Black Love and the Cost of Going Out

 

by Dr. Boyce Watkins 

Sometimes, I wish I could be a fly on the wall when women are having their most interesting conversations about men.  Well, as a gesture of good faith, I can let women become the fly listening in on what men might discuss when they aren’t around.  I can’t tell all the secrets, but I’ll let you in on one that has to do with money and dating.

I’ve heard more than one guy state that part of the reason he may choose not to date is because of the intense financial pressure of dating.  In the worst case scenario, there’s the woman who expects the man to be the out of control baller, yanking out $200 or $300 dollars for a trip to dinner or the nightclub with $10 drinks.  In many cases, he can’t be plainly dressed, so there is also the pressure of having to keep an expensive wardrobe or a fancy car.  It’s hard to pretend to be economically invincible in a tough economy that has always been hard on black men.

Click to read.

Results of AOL Black Voices Poll about Black Women and Dating

This poll was taken in response to the article Does the black church keep women single and lonely? - The majority of black women believe that they should open their dating horizons in general and that in spite of what Deborah Cooper has to say, the church can be a good place to find a Godly man.  What do you think?

Black women need to open their dating horizons in general

50%
266

No -- It's a woman's right to seek a Godly man

22%
118

Yes -- It's a bad place to meet men

10%
51

No Comment / Not Sure

9%
49

Either way, I find her views judgemental

9%
47

Nicole Spence: All About Swingers and Sex Clubs

by Nicole Spence

So I was on the way to school talking on the phone with one of my girlfriends. I brought up a previous conversation that I had with my friend Jack. Just recently Jack invited me to go with him to check out this Sex club in Brooklyn. Jack knows damn well that I won’t be partaking in any of the reckless behavior, but we both figured it would be juicy material for me to write about, if I wasn’t such a damn fraidy cat, and I actually had the balls to enter such a place. 
The crazy shit is nasty people are everywhere, as I’m walking and chit chatting to my surprise this clean cut black guy over hears my conversation. As I attempt to cross the street he stops me. Now I’m thinking “ Oh you want my number?” But No! He tells me “ I didn’t mean to over hear your conversation, but I did. My girlfriend and I are looking for a new Sex club, can you tell me the name of the one you were just speaking about?” Get the fuck outta here! You swing? He begins to ask if I’m apart of the “community” I say, "No" followed by a very loud weird laugh. Lol 

 

Click to read.

News: Lucky or Cursed? Woman Has 200 Orgasms a Day

The rumble of a train on the tracks, the purr of a hairdryer, the rhythmic drone of a photo-copier are all enough to make her go oh oh oh, ahhhhh.

She had FIVE orgasms during our 40-minute interview. But I can't take the credit-it was just talking about her sex life that set her off.

Sarah, 24, suffers from Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (PSAS), which increases blood flow to the sex organs.

She said: "Sometimes I have so much sex to try to calm myself down I get bored of it. And men I sleep with don't seem to make as much effort because I climax so easily."

As she chatted, Sarah became increasingly flustered.

"Sorry, you'll have to excuse me for a minute. I'll be with you in a sec," she mumbled before letting out a long sigh.

Sarah, from London, developed PSAS after being prescribed anti-depressants at 19.

 

Click to read.

When is He ready to commit? Can you Tell?

Every woman knows how hard it is when she puts in serious time with a guy who refuses to commit... until he moves on to his next girlfriend, and then suddenly, he's springing for a rock. Single women assume that a guy will pop the question once he finds someone he's compatible with, i.e., The One. But that's not enough to push him over the edge, according to clinical psychologist Alon Gratch, PhD, author of "If Men Could Talk." What, then, does it take?

"Being ready," says Gratch. "In my 25 years of experience working with men as a relationship therapist, it's 49 percent the right woman, 51 percent his readiness to commit." That means that compatibility is hugely important. But if he's not in a marriage mind-set yet, he's not going to commit to anyone... not even Gisele.

In fact, 81 percent of the married men surveyed by the National Marriage Project said one reason they decided to wed was because it was the right time to settle down.

"Of course, even if a guy is ready to walk down the aisle, he still needs to find the right person," says Gratch. "But he is more likely to meet her once he's in that marrying state of mind." To help us figure it all out, we asked Gratch to explain. Here, he divulges the five factors that make a man want to take the plunge.

 

Click to read.

Technorati Tags: black love,black relationships,african american love,african american relationships

Black Celebrity Gossip: Vivica Fox is Now doing Psychic Friends Commercials

Technorati Tags: vivica a. fox,black celebrities,african american celebrities,black celebrity gossip,black gossip

Black Love Gone Bad....What's the Problem?

by Dr. Boyce Watkins
http://www.boycewatkins.com/

People sometimes wonder why I don't talk much about my love life. Well, beyond the fact that it would probably bore you, I'll admit that there are some tricky and sensitive issues that might come up. But in case you're wondering, I am not single because I am gay (not that there is something wrong with gay people, I'm just not one of them). I am not married because I take marriage very seriously and realized that my work in the black community would put a family in harm's way. I never thought that Malcolm or Martin should have gotten married either, since I'd never forgive myself if my wife and children were killed or left homeless because of something I've done. The first thing your enemies do when they want to undermine you is to go after your family and/or your source of income. Just ask Bill O'Reilly.

At any rate, I have some friends who are still single, and I listen to them explain why they can't find what they are looking for. For some, it's the "blame the world" strategy - "Black men can't handle an intelligent black woman", or "I'm just too nice and men are dogs"....blah blah blah. On the flip side, I've heard Black men say things about Black women that are simply untrue. Personally, I have no trouble finding great Black women, especially when I learned to look at the spirit and mind along with the body and face. I know many gorgeous women who might have stunned me 10 years ago, but wouldn't get the time of day from me now.

One thing that some of us are missing is the kind of introspection necessary to realize that YOU are the only person who is always present in your relationships. I have a friend who is a drop dead gorgeous college professor and fully convinced that it's never her fault that her relationships are falling apart. All the while, I've seen that same friend walk toward the jerks and away from the guys who might treat her with respect. At the end of the day, she will always be confused, because she only chooses to give her love to those who deserve it the least.

This journey of learning to love yourself enough to know how to give love and receive it properly is a long one. I've personally traveled much of that journey myself. Although I didn't marry my ex-fiance, I was proud of that relationship. The great time we spent together was a reflection of how I'd grown to be able to give the right kind of love and also demand the right kind of love in return. She strengthened my belief in God, for I truly saw her as an angel on earth.

Like most of you, I have experienced the ups and downs of relationships (ho-hum), and all the bliss and pain that comes with it. I've dealt with baby-mama drama, as the one great mistake I made in life was to have a child at a young age with the wrong person. I will pay for that mistake for the rest of my life, although I worked like hell to try to fix it. I fight for father's rights because unlike the confusing speech given by Barack Obama this year on Father's Day, I unconditionally reject the idea that Black relationships don't work solely because Black men are irresponsible buffoons who don't want to be good parents. I tried like hell to be in my own daughter's life, even though I was consistently rejected from it, and I've gotten emails from hundreds of other fathers who feel the same way. At the end of the day, relationships last when both partners make it work, and children are healthiest when both parents understand the importance of having both the mother and the father in the life of the child. You can't blame the opposite sex for everything. That goes for both men and women....no matter how bitter you may be.

Finally, I believe in black love, and I consider black women to be the most beautiful women on the planet. So, if you ever hear of me getting married, it will most likely be to a Black woman. But if you were to ask me about the breakdown of the black family and black relationships, I would say that it takes two to tango. If your relationships are not working out, relieving yourself of all blame is not only going to confuse you, it is also incredibly irresponsible.

At any rate, the article is below...enjoy!

He's not dumping you because ...

Writing about dating is my full-time job, so, naturally, I hear a lot of pretty deranged tales of love gone wrong. But last week I received a letter from a woman who was convinced that men wouldn’t go out with her because she was just too … beautiful.

He's not dumping you because ...

She fully believed her breathtaking attractiveness was anything but a man-magnet — as one might expect. Instead, she said, her beauty acted as a Romeo-repellant, causing suitors to run screaming from her. Obviously, I explained the situation to her (perhaps it wasn’t her gorgeous outsides, but her narcissistic insides that were doing the damage), but it did get me to thinking about all the other ridiculous reasons that women — myself included — come up with when they get dumped.

Along with being too beautiful, here are a few other qualities I guarantee nobody will ever break your heart over:Too smart: I once had a friend who was convinced she couldn’t keep a boyfriend because she was too smart for the male population. She was positive her staggering intellect was turning them off. Uh, no. What drove the men away (and most of her female friends, as well) was the fact that she was mean. We’re talking stupendously cruel. Her definition of smart translated into cutting people down until they felt like the smallest person on earth. Not exactly a turn-on, no matter how cleverly it’s worded.Click to read.

A Chance at Love

by Lisa

Sandy and Chance met during their junior year at USC. During their time in college, they ran with different crowds. Chance was a jock, with a chip on his shoulder. At 6’3” and 253 lbs, this all muscle dark-brown Adonis was a force to be reckoned with. He was headed to the NFL and nothing would stop him. With that said, he knew that he should also get a college degree. On the off chance that something happened, he wanted a back-up plan and a degree in architecture was the answer that he chose. Although he played football for the love of the sport, the women that chased him was the biggest reason that he took the physical beatings on the field. There was no woman of any nationality that could resist his looks, charm and desirability.

On the other hand, Sandy was a quiet bookworm with few friends. You normally could find this Nia Long look-a-like sitting somewhere alone studying or reading a book. Although she was one of the most beautiful women that walked the campus, she kept to herself. She didn’t have the time or the patience for idiocy. It was a miracle that their paths had ever crossed, but it was meant to be.

Sandy happened to be working at the campus library on the Saturday morning that Chance strolled in. It was not his M.O. to be in such a setting, but with finals coming up, he knew that the apartment that he shared with his buddies was not conducive to real studying. He did pride himself on being an intelligent athlete. He was looking for a book on 18th century architecture and Sandy was the only one to help him. As he approached the desk at which she was sitting, Sandy’s heart nearly jumped out of her chest. His face was flawless. He had a slight slant in his dark brown eyes that made him look exotic; lickable lips; long powerful legs and a chest so dark and hard that it must have been made of raw mahogany wood. Sandy had never seen any man so beautiful in her life. She wanted to run out of the room as he got closer and closer.

“Go away, go away”, she thought to herself.

Click to read more.

Boyce Watkins on The Wendy Williams Experience

Dr Boyce Watkins
www.BoyceWatkins.com

I had a relatively awkward experience this weekend during a trip to New York. I was invited to appear with my friend Wendy Williams, host of The Wendy Williams Experience. You never know where the conversation is going when it comes to Wendy, so you have to be prepared for anything. She is, however, one of the most professional hosts I work with, and her 11 million listeners give her the right to call herself the Queen of Urban Radio. She asked me why I parted ways with my ex-fiance (an amazing woman for whom I have tremendous respect), the election of Barack Obama, my feud with the socio-political terrorist known as Bill O'Reilly, the financial crisis and everything else.

Most interesting was that she asked me about DL Hughley's new CNN show, which I've been quite vocal about lately. I don't hate DL, but I feel strongly that the nature and structure of his new CNN show are quite problematic. My disappointment with DL began 2 years ago during the Don Imus scandal, during which he agreed (on Jay Leno) that the educated women on the Rutgers University Basketball team really WERE a "pack of nappy headed hoes."

Sorry DL, but that's not cool.

What made the situation on Wendy's show funniest, however, was the fact that DL was scheduled to be the next guest on the show after me! Wendy joked, "Dr Boyce, we have to get you out of here because if DL sees you, he might want to punch you in the face." But apparently DL doesn't realize that I am actually the second cousin of Muhammad Ali! I was hoping we would not have to take it to the street!

I thought I would see DL in the lobby, but he was not there yet. It was probably best that way, since I stand by every word. Cooning is cooning, and we don't need an Obama presidency reduced to a minstrel show. I encourage DL to be more responsible.

Respect to everyone reading. If you wish to listen to the show, the link is above and also at my personal blog: www.drboycespeaks.blogspot.com. Also, thousands of you are choosing to "get your money in line for 2009" by joining the Dr. Boyce Finance group for money advice. Please feel free to share this with your friends.

Boyce
www.BoyceWatkins.com

Open Marriage + Open Communication = Successful Black Love?

By Chiderah A. Monde

Will Smith and Jada’s confession about their open marriage last year during an interview is still a hot topic. Since then people have been able to really think about what open marriage has meant for the Pinkett-Smith union, and what it could mean for black couples everywhere.

Black people continue to look up to Will and Jada as the pillar of black love. They represent the ideal successful black couple: complete with two gorgeous people in love, wealth, happiness and beautiful children to top it off.

It could all be so simple as to accredit their successful marriage to the agreement they have with each other, allowing them to be able to sleep with whomever they want as long as they inform each other of those happenings. Could it be that in this day an age, [open relationships + open communication] is the only formula that equals a successful relationship?

Let’s consider the possibilities.

The most important part of having an open marriage is that the idea eliminates the number one reason why people break up in this country- cheating. Open relationships require as much trust as one can possibly put in a person. Trusting them not to lie, trusting them not to hide things, and trusting them to remain faithful. It sounds like all of the basic necessities of a regular relationship are present.

Black couples that last are growing more and more rare. The current statistics claim that just about 45% of educated successful black women do not get married, and just as many get divorced. Those numbers are scary. At the same time interracial dating is becoming more popular, and more black men get involved with white, Asian, Latina and mixed women. For those situations where black women feel threatened about their husbands cheating, perhaps an open marriage could save them from this trouble, and save marriages from their demises.
Also, having an open relationship facilitates a key component of successful relationships- communication. Many marriage therapists focus mainly on the type of communication between husband and wife when couples come in to try and save marriages. People find that their spouses aren’t telling them things, especially when it comes to how they feel.

I don’t know, open relationships sound like a great idea. However, there must be dire disadvantages.

I asked some of my friends around campus, and got similar opinions about open relationships and open marriages. Most men agreed that they would love a woman who was gorgeous and successful, and who would allow them to sleep with other women. They said they would rather not know whom their wives are sleeping with, but if the trust between them is there, there shouldn’t be a problem. Most men could see themselves always coming back to their “80% women” regardless of who they slept with, since those outside relationships would be solely based on physical attraction. Will Smith said the same thing.

Most women that I talked to said that the situation is rather unrealistic. They all agreed that problems in the long run would be inevitable. They could see their men preferring the outside sex to their own, which would lead to wanting to leave, or more arguments about how drastically their sex lives have changed. It comes as no surprise to me that the women thought more about potential problems than the benefits of open relationships.

How about what an open relationship would mean for the black family?

When you take it outside the bedroom, it seems that an open marriage is not such a good idea. How do you explain to your kids “mommy and daddy spend nights with aunties and uncles”?

For Will and Jada, this conversation has to be had, considering their lives are public and their kids are sure to hear about it sooner or later.

Then there’s the problem of STDs and/or AIDS. Let’s be realistic, no sex is exempt from possibly introducing transmitted diseases- celebrity sex or not. Couples have to be twice as careful about using protection and being checked regularly for diseases, and extremely aware of the sexual history of the people they decide to sleep with. Maybe open relationships are not such a good idea…there’s all the extra background checking and detective work one must do just to have sex.

As far as religion goes- open marriages completely contradict morals established in the black church. Isn’t that considered adultery? But then again…so is cheating, and people still do it. God might not like this idea either. Accepting open marriage and open relationships in the black church would require review and revision of morals established by the church. As crazy as it sounds, open marriage is the “less immoral” way to commit adultery.

It may just be that having a Will and Jada kind of relationship can only work for Will and Jada.

Black couples that aren’t celebrities may not be as prepared to deal with problems such as children from outside relationships, STDs or AIDS, and paying for child support if children were to result from their extramarital affairs. Jada considers Will’s oldest son to be one of her own, even though he is a result of one of Will’s previous relationships. Jada has the patience, the money, and the time to take care of children that are not her own- most women do not.

I am not knocking the strategy though, I think some people would do well in these kinds of relationships, but it definitely isn’t for everybody. Just like marriage isn’t for everybody. It depends on the people involved and their personalities.

Money Tips for Black Women? A Financially Fit Divorce?

by Dr. Boyce Watkins
www.BoyceWatkins.net

I just saw an article today on "How to Leave Your Husband". The article focuses on how women can have a financially fit divorce. I find it amazing that we have gotten to the point that these are the kinds of articles that appear on the front pages of major media outlets. This speaks well to the state of love in America.

The article also seems to imply that beyond the 50% of all Americans who end up in divorce, there are many others who would be divorced if only they could find a way to get it done efficiently. Since when did the bliss of love make us so unhappy?

When I wrote Financial Lovemaking 101, one of the objectives I had in this book was to teach couples how to be jointly responsible when it comes to money. The truth of the matter is that being financially smart and responsible also increases your ability to be financially independent. Therefore, one might conclude that if you end up as one of the millions of Americans who chooses divorce, you might be able to erase your mistake without destroying your bank account.

I once counseled a couple that was nearing retirement. The couple had modest resources, but the wife was quite determined. Over a period of 10 years, she worked overtime and saved her butt off to pay off the family's credit card debt. She also looked into retirement plans on her job, putting thousands into a 401k plan to prepare for the family's golden years. Her husband had other plans. Without his wife's knowledge, he maxed out all the credit cards to start a business. He then withdrew all of the family funds from the retirement plan. The business failed, and his wife was in tears. She wanted to leave her husband, but she was financially drained. What's worse is that staying with her spouse would not have made her any more financially secure.

The reality is that money and love are linked in ways that we never envisioned on that first date. A person's beauty, body shape, and quality of sex become secondary to how well they pay the mortgage and put food on the table. Then, when we find that the love is gone and we want to move on, money becomes the barrier between freedom and misery. Planning ahead financially can be the way to plan your escape route, if that is what you choose to do.

The irony of it all, however, is that being financially intelligent and responsible reduces one major source of conflict in your marriage. It also allows you to make a stronger contribution to the overall well-being of your family. Therefore, by being financially intelligent and independent, you are more likely to have a successful marriage. Kind of paradoxical, don't you think?

I don't judge those who get divorced, never get married or are trying to get divorced. I only say that whatever you do, make sure you do it right. Your love depends on it, and so does your LIFE.

Young Black Men Don't Want Black Women?

“We Like Black D***, Just Not Black Men”

Let’s be honest- who wouldn’t want a Morris Chestnut, Will Smith, Denzel Washington, or Taye Diggs type of man?

As black women, we’ve watched our brothers be romantically involved with white women for as long as we’ve been in this country. Just when we thought we were accepting it, Asian and Hispanic women picked up on the trend, and Black men started to choose them first. In a day and age where interracial dating is more or less accepted, we have to redirect our anger.

Now, black women are upset because we’ve taken home the bronze medal in comparison to the other races that seek out Black men. For the most part, young Black men are not choosing their Black women, while everyone else is choosing the brothers.

First, look at the music videos you see on BET, MTV or anything else. No longer are “video girls” really black. Hispanic and mixed women seem to be getting closer and closer to the camera. The Vida Guerra’s of the world have taken the front seat, and more brothers want long REAL hair, fair skin and another language to go along with the urban style.

Some people say Black and Hispanics are one in the same, but I think to put us in the same boat is to ignore the many differences that the two races have, especially historically and politically (for the most part, Hispanics picked Hillary over Barack. Does that say anything significant? I think so.)

Next, let’s look at white women- from whom I got the title of this article. It’s not the preferred conversation to overhear during a study break snack, but that statement is exactly what I heard one day while sitting in the student center.

“ Oh my god, I hooked up with a black guy last night…no, I don’t like black men, but I do like black d***!”

…Was this girl serious?

It just goes to show that the physical attraction is- in some cases- the only reason why these unions happen. Okay brothers, I’ll give you that. Some men enjoy having gorgeous exotic looking women of different backgrounds and ethnicities to trophy around with…but ask yourselves, are your parents going to approve of your relationship?

Maybe so, but what about her parents? Are they really as open-minded as she is? The truth is, not all parents are as accepting and open minded as their children.

Do not misinterpret what I’m saying, I do have a lot of white, Asian and Hispanic female friends who date Black men. They are girls with good heads on their shoulders, who are usually friendly, more reserved, smart and very genuine. They have no problem being my friend, and I have no problem being theirs.

It may just be from what I’ve seen around my campus, but the other-race girls who only go after Black men for their well-endowed features, are the ones who do not take the time to befriend black women.

Those girls stick to their own kind. They’d rather say the curiosity about the physical pleasure was the reason they did it. Those are the kind of girls I overheard saying the above statement.

Brothers, let’s not take this completely as a compliment. You should be offended by such a blatant proclamation. What does this say about you? ”I don’t like black men” means I don’t like black people, and “I just like black d***” means I don’t see you for who you are.

I’ve dated white men, Hispanic men, and even an Asian once. But ultimately and collectively, they don’t want black women either. Of course there are some exceptions to this, one of my best white male friends only dates black women.

Who you choose to date is completely up to you. This article isn’t about that- it is about the reality of human attraction. It is about why Black women in general are becoming the least desired women of all.

We’re too strong-minded, independent, practical, and unadventurous. We argue too much. We work too much. We’re not as fair skinned or pleasing to look at. We like to dress down more than dress up. We’re not always creative in bed. Our hair doesn’t always blow in the wind, and isn’t always our own. We talk too much. We don’t give oral pleasure (says who?), we don’t want to cook every day (actually I love to cook), and we won’t stay with you after you cheat on us (yea, maybe not).

But if that’s why you’d rather not have us, then by all means, as Tyler Perry would say, have your 20%.

Money Mistakes Black Women Make in Relationships

By Dr. Boyce Watkins
www.FinancialLovemaking.net

People fall in love every day. Some fall in love forever, and some just love the idea of falling in love. We are all familiar with the bliss and agony of love, and our mating, dating and procreating choices define much of the quality of our earthly existence.

But many of us love in all the wrong ways and make short-term choices with serious lifelong consequences. For long-term relationships, reality eventually sets in, and we learn that LOVING together means LIVING together. The thrill you once got from a long, seductive kiss is replaced by the excitement of a good home appraisal or bank account increase. Financial insecurity and emotional insecurity become one and the same, as we find there is a strong correlation between financial deception and emotional betrayal. A big part of living is MONEY. According to a study by the Council of Relationships, money is the number one reason for divorce. This alarming reality is a strong reminder that not discussing the financial and practical dimensions of your relationship can cause you a lifetime of misery.

Some consider it taboo to discuss love and money in the same sentence. I consider it ESSENTIAL. While we might mull all day over a potential mate’s emotional compatibility, sexual compatibility, professional compatibility and spiritual compatibility, most of us don’t spend one second thinking about financial compatibility. Many couples step into serious relationships and marriage without knowing their partner’s income levels, debt levels, credit score, retirement savings, or any of the other significant pieces of information that are going to have a dramatic effect on their love life. Merging your life with a financially irresponsible person is like putting your children into a car with a drunk driver. Once you are in the car, your fates are inextricably linked.

Money plays a huge role in our quality of life, emotional well-being, ability to raise our children properly or ability to spend time together. Money can either be a tool to enhance your love or a weapon to destroy it. Many people have seen their love and relationships ruined by financial problems, financial deception or financial exploitation. How we manage, confront and conceptualize the power of money plays a huge role in how our relationships evolve. That is what Financial Lovemaking is all about.

You think money doesn’t matter in a relationship? Well, here is just a small list of ways that someone could ruin your life financially:

• A partner with horrible credit could keep you from ever getting loan.
• A partner with terrible spending habits can ruin a family’s financial security.
• A partner with a substance abuse or other costly addiction could deplete a family’s assets.
• A partner with unhealthy connections to deadbeat relatives, who always need money, may drain your assets.
• A partner with an income that is too low due to a lack of education or poor professional choices could ruin you financially.
• A partner may steal money from you or borrow it without your permission and use it for something frivolous (i.e. a bad business investment, gambling, etc.)
• A partner who makes bad financial choices may get you into trouble with the IRS.
• A partner who decides to separate from you may end up dragging you and your money through a long and costly legal battle.

I just gave you the short list of ways that money directly impacts your love life. I am sure you can think of experiences you’ve had or those of your friends. In fact, I encourage you to visit our Financial Lovemaking blog to share your personal story on how love and money have impacted your life.

I am not here there to say there’s nothing going on but the rent. However, I can say that nothing else goes on if the rent is not being paid. So, good Financial Lovemaking is necessary for good love. Don’t forget that.

Dr. Boyce Watkins is a Finance Professor at Syracuse University and author of “Financial Lovemaking 101: Merging Assets with Your Partner in Ways that Feel Good.” He does regular commentary in national media, including CNN, NBC, CBS, MSNBC and BET. For more information, please visit www.FinancialLovemaking.net.