Saturday, June 14, 2008

Young Black Men Don't Want Black Women?


“We Like Black D***, Just Not Black Men”

Let’s be honest- who wouldn’t want a Morris Chestnut, Will Smith, Denzel Washington, or Taye Diggs type of man?

As black women, we’ve watched our brothers be romantically involved with white women for as long as we’ve been in this country. Just when we thought we were accepting it, Asian and Hispanic women picked up on the trend, and Black men started to choose them first. In a day and age where interracial dating is more or less accepted, we have to redirect our anger.

Now, black women are upset because we’ve taken home the bronze medal in comparison to the other races that seek out Black men. For the most part, young Black men are not choosing their Black women, while everyone else is choosing the brothers.

First, look at the music videos you see on BET, MTV or anything else. No longer are “video girls” really black. Hispanic and mixed women seem to be getting closer and closer to the camera. The Vida Guerra’s of the world have taken the front seat, and more brothers want long REAL hair, fair skin and another language to go along with the urban style.

Some people say Black and Hispanics are one in the same, but I think to put us in the same boat is to ignore the many differences that the two races have, especially historically and politically (for the most part, Hispanics picked Hillary over Barack. Does that say anything significant? I think so.)

Next, let’s look at white women- from whom I got the title of this article. It’s not the preferred conversation to overhear during a study break snack, but that statement is exactly what I heard one day while sitting in the student center.

“ Oh my god, I hooked up with a black guy last night…no, I don’t like black men, but I do like black d***!”

…Was this girl serious?

It just goes to show that the physical attraction is- in some cases- the only reason why these unions happen. Okay brothers, I’ll give you that. Some men enjoy having gorgeous exotic looking women of different backgrounds and ethnicities to trophy around with…but ask yourselves, are your parents going to approve of your relationship?

Maybe so, but what about her parents? Are they really as open-minded as she is? The truth is, not all parents are as accepting and open minded as their children.

Do not misinterpret what I’m saying, I do have a lot of white, Asian and Hispanic female friends who date Black men. They are girls with good heads on their shoulders, who are usually friendly, more reserved, smart and very genuine. They have no problem being my friend, and I have no problem being theirs.

It may just be from what I’ve seen around my campus, but the other-race girls who only go after Black men for their well-endowed features, are the ones who do not take the time to befriend black women.

Those girls stick to their own kind. They’d rather say the curiosity about the physical pleasure was the reason they did it. Those are the kind of girls I overheard saying the above statement.

Brothers, let’s not take this completely as a compliment. You should be offended by such a blatant proclamation. What does this say about you? ”I don’t like black men” means I don’t like black people, and “I just like black d***” means I don’t see you for who you are.

I’ve dated white men, Hispanic men, and even an Asian once. But ultimately and collectively, they don’t want black women either. Of course there are some exceptions to this, one of my best white male friends only dates black women.

Who you choose to date is completely up to you. This article isn’t about that- it is about the reality of human attraction. It is about why Black women in general are becoming the least desired women of all.

We’re too strong-minded, independent, practical, and unadventurous. We argue too much. We work too much. We’re not as fair skinned or pleasing to look at. We like to dress down more than dress up. We’re not always creative in bed. Our hair doesn’t always blow in the wind, and isn’t always our own. We talk too much. We don’t give oral pleasure (says who?), we don’t want to cook every day (actually I love to cook), and we won’t stay with you after you cheat on us (yea, maybe not).

But if that’s why you’d rather not have us, then by all means, as Tyler Perry would say, have your 20%.


Anonymous said...

Wow! Love what you wrote. Im a brotha and I think its a damn shame that we've been plagued with the idea that our sistas are not beautiful. I'm very hurt by many trends of our people today with music, violence, and just basic daily social interactions; but this topic really distrubs me! Both black men and women are abandoning one another. I dont think this was in MLK's dream. How can we rebuild if we are constantly seperating? We need this particular trend to take a back seat. Personally, I really dont have time for all this oh we're just humans mess, because if that were the case why are so many brothas and sistas in jail, or cant read. Once again love the argument that was brought up. Can we get a movement going on this and stop the madness??? Peace.

Maddissun said...

i think you're right on the money honey. this is my problem with black men and it hurts like hell to alot of african american women. i believe that sisters should find love where they can. black men are, and they aren't nearly as pressed about finding black women as black women are about finding black men.

and this is an issue i've often times brought up myself. WHY does it seem as though every race of man will go for EVERY race except black? why are black women seen as SOO undesirable?

black men ADORE those white and hispanic bitches, but do they know that black women CREATED them?

all life comes from the black woman, look it up. out of our wombs we created white, hispanic, AND asian. So they're just getting the counterfeit. we are the original.

and this is totally scientific. if all the races of the world were to be exterminated, we, BLACK WOMEN, would be able to create them all again because we house all those features, all that "pretty long hair" they so adore and all that "light skin", we house all that stuff in our GENES.

so we should NEVER fear inferior to something WE created! NEVER!

black men will come to regret that they have ignored and scorned black women with the rest of the world. black women are quickly getting tired. and soon, we will make our voices known.

Anonymous said...

This make no sense. I'a black man who grew (in the Netherlands) with only white people around me. I could have dated, loved and married so many white woman, but I never did. I even trained an all white ladies basketball team, but I dated the only black girl from an other white team. And finally I married a black (biracial) woman, who's is proud of her African American roots. It was her blackness that attracted me. There was a time that a lot black friends of mine dated white woman, but I see change. A friend of mine who didn't like black woman because they had the same skin as he had, now has a beautifull black woman and very talented daughter who played in a film.
So, black woman you have the ability to change black men, I they all wind up dating white woman, I think you have to look at yourself too and stop blaming black men.

Ronalee said...

Great work.

Anonymous said...

Even thought through the years I never thought this was really true, a year ago a close male friend of mine who is very well educated told me that he is not attracted to black women. This made me think..does he not think his own mother is attrative and from that what does that say about him. Your comments hit straight to the point. Thank you so much for putting it out there.

Anonymous said...

I am a green eyed, olive skinned, black haired Spanish woman deeply in love with a Black man - and I am nothing to him. We hispanics identify ourselves first by culture, then language, and lastly by race. He berates me for having being only with white men - 'why would a beautiful-ass woman like you chose to be with a white boy" he acuses me - and then he tells me with a great deal of pride thar rarely do you see a "beautiful sister with a white man" so I asked him if that is bad why does he date white women? and he said oh no that is different- "how is that different?" "it just is" so to him I am simply a throphy - a fist in "The Man's" eye - nothing but a status symbol - and the women he respects? - The Sisters- how horrible and painful is that?

Anonymous said...

I've never had an attraction to black men myself, but have met one or two who do. It's not really much more widespread than it was my first time through some 15 years ago, as it was pretty widespread then. I think there will always be a certain percentage of young women who will go that way for any number of reasons, though most fit a slender profile dealing with self esteem and rebellion issues. Today I only fear for the danger given the out of control Aids and STD epidemic among US blacks.

Anonymous said...

Most men that are with a white woman have dated or experienced a black woman at one time.

This is a choice. Black men in most cases a choosing this for various reasons.

The reason is pretty simple:Imperialism

Europeans have messed up the entire world through this and we are still feeling the affects to date.

Every race is taught that euro is better and should be sought. the way they dress, food they eat, way they look and language they speak.

Having this impact on the world for hundreds of years will take more than 30 years to get it out of our system.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting this subject and allowing folks to comment. I'm African American and married to a beautiful African American woman I consider my queen. While physically she is no Halle Berry (and I'm a long way from Denzel), she is beautiful to me both inside and out.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, why do people get so hung up on physical beauty, instead of the REAL beauty of another person--their inside. I have friends at the Halle Berry end of the spectrum that are single and looking while friends at the other non-Halle Berry end are happily married with children.

So why do some African American men seek out other races? Maybe they are as curious about them as they are about AA men and our Black ***k! Maybe they are experimenting. Or maybe (in my opinion) they don't experience the headaches / difficulties associated with some AA women--attitudes, arguing, bedroom issues, making the present brotha pay for the previous brotha's sins, etc. AA women can be a handful!

I'm told white women are not as closed-minded in the bedroom as some AA women, and I'm told Asian women are more docile toward their men. The hispanic women I know seem devoted and hard working, but I know others who feel right at home in a dark alley being thugish.

Perhaps if AA women would see us "good brothas" as the kings we are, AND place GOD first and foremost in their lives, maybe the attractiveness will return. You gotta make the brothas want you! Who wants to deal with crap at work AND even more crap at home? It's hard enough being an AA man at work--at least we should be king of our castles with our queens at our sides.

J Dowell said...

I just want to say that I feel that most of your thoughts are true. Where I think your kind of going in the wrong direction being upset with the women of colors for statements about liking black d*ck but not black men. We all should be MAD at the damn fools (blk men) that associate with the whores who feel like that. Being a woman who has dated out of your race you've probably found out that while race is part of us all its only a little part. I'm a black man married to a white woman. I've dated all different races and the biggest difference I found in the women I've dated was economic status. Let me explain, broke white girls and broke black girls both act like they don't have good sense and are really tied up in the race crap (both say and do dumb stuff that involves race. Middle class black or white I've found are not so much about race. The middle class women are all about making it and for the most part seem to want a man (any man) with the same wants and needs as them. Now we come to the rich black girls and the rich white girls. All you need to do is read what I wrote about the broke girls because it seems to me that rich girls and broke girls have strong misconceptions of life, race, and a whole lot of other issues. I know I rambled on a bit but I really do hate the way that some brotha's put themselves down by feeding into all that race crap.

Anonymous said...

I'm very tired of the black woman complaining about everything, about the black community complaining. We try so hard to be integrated in this world, but we black people just keep segregating ourselves. You want a good man, find a good man. If the man is our color wonderful, if not does that change how you feel about him? Are you racist against our black brothers with other races? We can be a strong people, but as long as we focus on the negative, as long as we continue to pull away and keep to 'ourselves' we run the risk of cutting ourselves out of the community as a whole. How can you expect everyone to 'understand' and to except you when you push everyone who is not black away, and say. "You wouldn't understand our pain."
I'm tired of it, stand up and reach out. Listen to someone else s point of view and stop listening to the same old bitching we've done. We have had our pain, our suffering, we've dealt with personally or had happen to our people. Other races have had their hardships both past and present, but you don't see them waving it about daily in the faces of those around them. I'm a beautiful, strong black woman. I'm not African, I'm American. But as long as we keep looking back and keep pointing the finger and keeping to ourselves we will never grow beyond this hate. This segregation we're creating, this racist look at everyone who isn't our brother or sister. If you let every ignorant woman or man who make ridiculous comments then you'll go nuts.
Their are assholes and bitches everywhere, the younger they are the more stupid they are.
I've met more racist black brothers and sisters, and its sad that our race looks so much on the negative in life that we are now viewed as 'negative'.

Anonymous said...

This is disgusting segreating people by race! Can't people just love people for who they are as opposed to what their race is. I'm sure Seal would be royally pissed if he saw you post a pic of the woman he loves and the mother of his children as just another black man choosing a white woman 'cause the man can't appreciate his own race. You want racial shit to stop, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Go do something productive with your time rather than contributing to this shit!!! Have some respect! Man o Man! I can't believe this SHIT still exists!

Anonymous said...




See how fucked up that is!

King said...

This is a hot mess but it's a complicated mess. The problem is not with Black women, it's with the perceptions put upon Black women for many years by the White Beauty Standard.

Blacks are the phenotypical opposites of the Anglo/Caucasian ethnicity. Every other race falls between Whites and Blacks in the continuity of ethnicities. Whites and Blacks are the "bookends," so to speak... the extremes of diversity.

So, if you make Whiteness the standard of beauty, then, by definition, Blackness has to be non-beauty. If thin lips and pale skin in desirable, then, full lips and dark skin must be undesirable. This is the case so long as Whiteness is seen as the height of all beauty... Blackness (being the opposite of Whiteness) MUST be ugly.

The problem is that this is the way that most of the word has thought for many many years. White people have been the dominant colonial power all over the world. Therefore, Whites have set the agenda for what is "smart," what is "beautiful," what is "fashionable," and of course, it is WHITE.

But before we get up on our high horse, let's be honest— any race would have done the same thing. It's not a problem with White people, it's a problem of all people. We tend to show preference to people who look like us.

Today, the standard of beauty is changing (rapidly). Our society no longer sees Whiteness as the SINGLE beauty standard. Most people accept (at least intellectually) that all people can look beautiful, just in different ways. The problem is that it takes time for the years of old school indoctrination to die. Some Whites still believe it, and so do some Blacks.

I could go into why Black males can get interracial attraction sooner that Black women will but I don't want to write a book here. Suffice to say that it's all tied into how the stereotypes were woven years ago. Things will get much better for Black Women too, but it will take time.

Anonymous said...

I think people are now more open minded and race is not an issue anymore, and it won't be an issue at all when new generation grow up. I don't care what race my man would be as soon as we like each other. I've dated all races and other nationalities, I can't tell there is a big difference (by the way arabs have bigger ding dongs than black and they are better lovers), men are men no matter what color they are, and they come in all shapes too.

Anonymous said...

I really like what you wrote. How you wrote it. Its very honest and in some parts true.

I'm actually white but half british half uruguayan. I live in London so its very common for people to date outside their own 'races' because we have so so many different cultures here.In this i'm extremely lucky ecause i see beautifula nd interesting people everyday.I ahve friends who are from hong kong and friends from south africa. They all have their tastes. One of my best friends is a black girl who loves white ginger men!

In respect to real or fake hair, flowing or not, the amount of other things we do to ourselves like makeup, hair dye, boob jobs, cellulite reduction... they're based on our insecurites, whether they are our own or influenced by others. some of us change our looks because of who we dat, some becasue of other women, our friends.

As for black, white, arab, indian, latin penises, it depends on the individual!! (in my personal opinion and experience)

Sometimes bigger is not alwaya better! Most men who are average sized will tend to please the woman more and reciprocate the favours. It depends whether your'e just having sex for the sake of it or making love.

Its the man himself, his upbringing, his personality, his family, friends etc that makes him attactive. Not his colour! People say things like ' once you go black, you never go back'... lies!
the real thing is: Once you've had a good lover, not just anyone will do!

There are loads of stereo types out there. just don't give in to them!

check out: comedian Russel Peters, film: Slow Burn with LL Cool J.

Anonymous said...

I am a black man, dating white women. I totally understand the emotional component of your post.
Nevertheless, I think that is kind of unfair towards me and other black men, who are happy with the choices they make: dating women they want to date. As it would be unfair to critizise a white guy dating a black women...
I think it is probably easier for me, since I am not from the US. However,
I think that people are free to date who they want: Colour doesn't obligate to date a person of the same colour. PERIOD!

You (and as a matter of course, other people, too) probably want to take this into consideration. Maybe it may help you and some other black women to simply face the fact that you are judging others, who are happy with the choices they make in their lives. And you are not entitled doing that. I don't owe you anything, and you don't owe me anything.

Anonymous said...

To those who felt the need to bring up race in 2009, how this is stupid, how it's shame on black women, how the author is complaining....


It isn't about race, date who you want.

It's about how women, mainly black women, are regarded.

Just because you don't want to talk about it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

I love Seal and Heidi together, they aren't the point, they aren't an example of what the author is talking about.

Anonymous said...

wow, i love one of the comments made above..its 2010 and race shouldnt be a problem.. really shouldnt we all just love one another.. what this thread suggesting is separation.. and im really not down with that...
im a white woman and no i dont date black men for the wrong reasons ( sex be it) i date men for who they are, and any man that represents him self as a strong man physically and mantally is a man i'll end up dating..
i not saying white man arent strong but its just a personal preference.
some white girls like white guys with blond hair, or red hair.. and some like black hair and blue eyes...
and i like dark skin, brown hair, full lips.. to me black men are georgeous and thats just it. nothing more and it was never for the wrong reasons as this autor suggested..

Anonymous said...

i am a white woman and i ONLY date black men.. its a choice.. lets us have it

Anonymous said...

The issues raised in this article are endemic to the black race. But let me make a couple of points. First, black women are definitely not inferior to any other. How could they, black woman is mother nature- they carry the black race. They have done it before, and i'm sure should the need arise again, they sure will do it over.Moreover, the reasons why black men seem to favour non-black women could be put to the following 3 factors, two of which are related to black history. The first, is simply that of upward mobility; settling with (mostly white) women where their chances or opportunities in life are best promoted. The second, has to do with the fact that certain people ( men and women) are drawn to certain specific features or characters which are not necessarily present amongst their kind. These features may be in the form of body parts- such as legs (shape), ass (formation),lips (thick or thin)and face (structure).In addition, mannerism and behavioural patterns found amongst the 'other' may play a role too. And thirdly, however, we may have black men- who feel the need to 'whiten' up and move away from mainstream depiction of the black image and black depiction- as inferior and less human. However sad as this is, the bulk of black men who prefer non-black women to their own kind- are really weighed down by black past historical trajectories.Once again, thanks for the article.

james said...

As a white male of mid aged, I read this and pissed my self with laughter,people will fuck who ever or what ever they want, 5 year old children , sheep, dogs, women if your woman ,male if your male .the pig on the near ist farm,alien life forms with 10 cocks, your own fathers, mothers,WHAT EVER.ONE THING THE BLACK MAN OR WOMAN WILL NEVER DO ,IS USED THEIR MINDS.
you clowns are not black Aphos are you

Anonymous said...

I am a white woman dating a black man. I love him for who he is and he loves me back. We have been together for over 2 years and he already met my parents as they are open minded, too.

I have some black female friends, too. And I find them really attractive as I find black women in general very beautiful. They again are interested in white men which I find really good.

We should all be open minded. There are many white and black men who fancy black women. I do have the impression though that many black women prefer black men. Why is that?