Money Mistakes Black Women Make in Relationships

By Dr. Boyce Watkins
www.FinancialLovemaking.net

People fall in love every day. Some fall in love forever, and some just love the idea of falling in love. We are all familiar with the bliss and agony of love, and our mating, dating and procreating choices define much of the quality of our earthly existence.

But many of us love in all the wrong ways and make short-term choices with serious lifelong consequences. For long-term relationships, reality eventually sets in, and we learn that LOVING together means LIVING together. The thrill you once got from a long, seductive kiss is replaced by the excitement of a good home appraisal or bank account increase. Financial insecurity and emotional insecurity become one and the same, as we find there is a strong correlation between financial deception and emotional betrayal. A big part of living is MONEY. According to a study by the Council of Relationships, money is the number one reason for divorce. This alarming reality is a strong reminder that not discussing the financial and practical dimensions of your relationship can cause you a lifetime of misery.

Some consider it taboo to discuss love and money in the same sentence. I consider it ESSENTIAL. While we might mull all day over a potential mate’s emotional compatibility, sexual compatibility, professional compatibility and spiritual compatibility, most of us don’t spend one second thinking about financial compatibility. Many couples step into serious relationships and marriage without knowing their partner’s income levels, debt levels, credit score, retirement savings, or any of the other significant pieces of information that are going to have a dramatic effect on their love life. Merging your life with a financially irresponsible person is like putting your children into a car with a drunk driver. Once you are in the car, your fates are inextricably linked.

Money plays a huge role in our quality of life, emotional well-being, ability to raise our children properly or ability to spend time together. Money can either be a tool to enhance your love or a weapon to destroy it. Many people have seen their love and relationships ruined by financial problems, financial deception or financial exploitation. How we manage, confront and conceptualize the power of money plays a huge role in how our relationships evolve. That is what Financial Lovemaking is all about.

You think money doesn’t matter in a relationship? Well, here is just a small list of ways that someone could ruin your life financially:

• A partner with horrible credit could keep you from ever getting loan.
• A partner with terrible spending habits can ruin a family’s financial security.
• A partner with a substance abuse or other costly addiction could deplete a family’s assets.
• A partner with unhealthy connections to deadbeat relatives, who always need money, may drain your assets.
• A partner with an income that is too low due to a lack of education or poor professional choices could ruin you financially.
• A partner may steal money from you or borrow it without your permission and use it for something frivolous (i.e. a bad business investment, gambling, etc.)
• A partner who makes bad financial choices may get you into trouble with the IRS.
• A partner who decides to separate from you may end up dragging you and your money through a long and costly legal battle.

I just gave you the short list of ways that money directly impacts your love life. I am sure you can think of experiences you’ve had or those of your friends. In fact, I encourage you to visit our Financial Lovemaking blog to share your personal story on how love and money have impacted your life.

I am not here there to say there’s nothing going on but the rent. However, I can say that nothing else goes on if the rent is not being paid. So, good Financial Lovemaking is necessary for good love. Don’t forget that.

Dr. Boyce Watkins is a Finance Professor at Syracuse University and author of “Financial Lovemaking 101: Merging Assets with Your Partner in Ways that Feel Good.” He does regular commentary in national media, including CNN, NBC, CBS, MSNBC and BET. For more information, please visit www.FinancialLovemaking.net.

Juanita Bynum and Thomas Weeks: Would Jesus Go on Divorce Court?

People have asked me what I think about Juanita Bynum and her post, pre and intra-marital drama. In case you haven’t heard, Juanita Bynum is a well-known black evangelist who was allegedly beaten by her husband Bishop Thomas Weeks. The alleged incident took place in an Atlanta Hotel Parking lot, and received a great deal of media attention.

As one would expect from a woman who’s been recently beaten by her husband, Juanita Bynum held a press conference. No trial, no hearings, no indictment, no conviction: just a press conference. Bynum then declared herself to be the new face of domestic violence in America.

That was my introduction to the peculiar world of Juanita Bynum.

I am not sure what world Juanita Bynum lives in, but it can’t be my own. When hearing that she held a press conference after the alleged attack (along with appearances on Divorce Court and Essence Magazine), I immediately wondered if any good could come from this. I was hopeful that the goal was to truly fight domestic violence, thus empowering women around the world from her experience. I also wondered if this was Juanita Bynum’s version of Celebrity Pastors Gone Wild.

It is no secret that Juanita Bynum wants to be the next Oprah. Such lofty ambitions require you to sometimes sell your soul for success: Halle Berry shaves her head and signs a big movie deal. Vivica Fox gives oral sex on camera and then gets a new show. Rappers get shot on purpose.

That’s the celebrity fame game, and Juanita appears to be a part of it.

As a specialist in marketplace buying and selling, I quietly wonder if those responsible for saving souls should be so quick to sell their own. At the same time, there are many in the ministry who’ve made money and power their primary objectives, and spend a lot of time praying to the false God of capitalism. Anybody got a Dollar for the collection plate? How about some Taffi? Praise the Lord, amen.

I don’t consider Juanita Bynum to be a bad person. I just hope that she hasn’t allowed blind ambition to turn her into a spiritual Stevie Wonder. Mixing the idea of celebrity with service to God is a slippery slope, and if Jesus were among us in the flesh, I am not sure he would be appearing on Divorce Court. But spiritual leaders are the first to remind us that they can’t quite match up to Jesus. At the same time, one expects a higher standard from Juanita Bynum, TD Jakes and others who expect to preach to us every week.

I am a finance professor and a hardcore capitalist. I fully understand the drug of money. In some ways, I feel like the drug pusher who looks at the church going mother of 3 and says “Ma’am, you don’t want to smoke that crack pipe.” I know that addiction to the drug will cause the mother to abandon her children and destroy everything she holds sacred in order to get another hit. Hearing pastors (i.e. TD Jakes) referring to Jesus as a “product”, or seeing men and women of God speaking on money more than I do is beyond disturbing. It’s just downright crazy.

I don’t consider Juanita Bynum to be the face of domestic violence. Domestic violence has millions of faces of women who never held a press conference. But I certainly hope that she is working to use her newfound fame to support and protect those who are in abusive relationships. But truth be told, I haven’t seen much out of Bynum other than publicity stunts designed to promote the name, fame and wealth of Juanita Bynum.

If the leaders of the flock have been blinded by their own ambition, what does that mean for the sheep? I would hate to imagine that going to church might somehow jeopardize my salvation, since Jesus has been reduced to a product for sale. Perhaps it implies that we should cut out the middle man and find our own connection to God. What would Jesus do?

Dr. Boyce Watkins is an Assistant Professor of Finance at Syracuse University and author of “What if George Bush were a Black Man?” He makes regular appearances in national media, including CNN, BET, ESPN and CBS. For more information, please visit www.BoyceWatkins.com.

Video Below: Dr. Boyce Watkins Speaks on Juanita Bynum and Bishop Thomas Weeks