Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Nojma Muhammad: Our Wombs Are Not Down Payments


By: Nojma Muhammad, Your Black Woman

I recently saw a picture on Facebook that had the following words: “If you wouldn't make her a wife then don't make her a mother." I got the message, but to me this yet again another escape from accountability as women. "Make" Really? Make? My perspective is, "If he isn't willing to MAKE you his wife, then DON'T be WILLING to be his “baby mama!"

For some reason, I could not get past the word "make", and upon further reflection, the question became how can a man "make" you something that YOU'RE volunteering to BE? Oh yes, volunteer is the correct word. If we lay down with a man, and he is NOT your husband, and you have sex with him, you are VOLUNTEERING to be the mother of his child, since we know conception is a possibility when sex takes place.

You appealed to his lower nature. You had sex with him and didn’t make marriage a requirement. You continue to have sex with him and still don’t make marriage a requirement. You decide that you’re going to have his baby, and again you still aren't married because, again, you didn't make it a requirement, he leaves you. But everything is “ALL HIS FAULT!”

See how FOOLISH that sounds Sisters?

Why do we as women want men to take 100% responsibility for what takes place in OUR wombs? I am specifically speaking on those that we sent an invitation and gave an all access pass to. Why is that everyone ELSE has to accept the consequences of our decisions and actions?  WE make the CONSCIOUS decision of who we allow inside our bodies. A man can NOT come in unless WE allow him too.

Contrary to what you heard, read or what your “Girlfriends” told you, no matter how you drop it, flip it and rotate it; that does NOT guarantee marriage. All it guarantees is that you will have had sex with a man that is NOT your husband. Let’s stop using our wombs as a down payment for marriage.

When a man is ready for a wife, he is more focused with how he works her MIND above anything else, While he understands that in her womb is where his legacy will be cultivated, he also understands that in her MIND is where his legacy will be conceived.

So Sisters, the power of choice is with us. We can either chose to be a “baby mama’, a “jump off”, a “side piece”, a “mistress” or we can chose to be a WIFE. Instead of telling him “if he liked it he should have put a ring on it……how about we LOVE ourselves ENOUGH to make that ring a REQUIREMENT?

****The Lesson: Our Wombs, Our choices, Our RESPONSIBILTY so we must OWN ACCOUNTABILTY***


Dollarsdoug said...

If a nation can rise no higher than its woman, then more sisters need to understand that giving themselves over to men who only want "that 1 thing" is no way to build or cultivate a relationship. Far too few men realize the importance of the woman's mind when he considers searching for a mate.

Thank you for a wonderful post, Sister Nojma.

Anonymous said...

You know people should stop trying to make every woman think act and not act just as they do; because beleve it or not some women like and even love having sex and asking a person to require marriage just to have sex will not work for all women.


ladyaudge said...

To Anonymous,
No one is tryinig to make you think or act any way. If you love sex without marriage that is your choice. The message is to be accountable for your actions and the consequences of those actions. Some sisters, and maybe that is not you, believe that after giving her body to a brother and having a baby, he is required to offer marriage. However, brothers are not of the hook either. They need to be accountable to provide child support and emotional support to their children, but that's another story.

EdBdCJ said...

What a bunch of self righteous crap! People are grown and know where babies come from. WEAR A CONDOM, GET ON THE PILL, PROTECT yourself should be the message. Not this "only lay with him in marriage" crap. The author and most readers know and understand the reality of most sexual situations. It is not a bad thing for a woman to want and desire sex. Thank goodness we live in an age where we are not STUCK with ONE man for the rest of our lives simply because we wanted to fulfill our natural desire to have sex. Yes, women should know who they are laying with and the consequences and take precautions, but this "don't lay until marriage" crap is just that...crap!! Please please please come down off of your high horse and take a big sniff of reality!!!

Anonymous said...

This is the first I've read by this author, but I'm getting a completely different message than a couple of you seem to be getting. I am reading "if you lay down with him and create a life, don't try to blame him for all of it... if you want to be married BECAUSE you made a child, you should have been married BEFORE you made that child." This isn't speaking to those who enjoy casual encounters and who protect themselves or have no illusions of having a man step up if they do become pregnant. It's for the women who WANT the whole shebang and think they SHOULD have it AFTER making a baby with a man. Point blank... if your end game is marriage, be married before you make a baby with him b/c making the baby first does NOT guarantee marriage. Be accountable for your own choices and stop trying to place 100% of the blame on his shoulders. Unless he forced your legs open, you are just as much to blame.

Anonymous said...

@ edbdcj there is nothing wrong with not laying until marriage! Where is her high horse? She gave good advice. She said he never buy the cow if the milk is free. Good words!

EdBdCJ said...

Why put all the power in the male?!?!? We as women often fail to see our own power. This isn't1932 anymore no one is giving out cows and milk. That antiquated saying is no longer applicable. Its not always so black and white. I didn’t say there was anything wrong with not laying until marriage I just said its UNREALISTIC. I mean if we are gonna go with antiquated sayings then, "you won't buy a car without taking it out for a test drive first." This article portrays women as victims and that irritates me. A woman can make decisions without a man. This is where the author's condescension comes in. Talking to women as if they do not know how babies are made and are only beholden to a man. Or acting as if she can only do what he wants is BS. If you choose to have a baby without a man, then go for it! If a man doesn’t want to marry you...then move one. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Also, we aren't all DESTINED to be married. Society puts these pressures of marriage on women. Its the author's attitude of "you SHOULD do this and you SHOULD NOT do this" which represents a holier-than-thou person "talking down" to women. (i.e high horse)

Nojma said...


Actually my article is empowering women to make a CHOICE. A man can not MAKE us mothers unless we ALLOW them too. We set the tone in our relationships, and we set the standard. Again, a man can not make us anything, especially if we are volunteering for it. If the end goal is marriage, then why not wait until AFTER marriage to have his child? Marriage is commitment......sex is well just sex.....and the commitment that we make when having sex.....is as long as the act actually takes place. Again my article is about empowering us as women and the choices WE make.

Deadlier Than the Male said...

While I personally agree with the author, the entire issue isn't about getting married and that may be where some people are getting hung up.
I look at the article within the framework of the child support issue. The simple fact of the matter is some women get pregnant in order to get paid (I'm looking at Stacy Hott, the mother of Roddy White's son). Her exact words in court were, "[White] is a professional athlete capable of providing generous support for the minor child commensurate with his earnings."
Now, while he was stupid and irresponsible, does having his child entitle her to millions? If so, why should it? Doesn't that just encourage more women to do the same thing? She's not getting up going to practice everyday, taking hits on the field, learning plays, etc. We see this situation so much that it's sickening!
These athletes and entertainers need to put on a condom, but these women need to close their legs and not expect a payday simply because they laid down with a man. The children are the ones suffering, being born a weapon wielded in the court system against their daddies.
The H&R Block commercials say, "Why would I give away my best stuff for free?" And these women take that to the extreme. But, is the hurt and pain you bring on yourself, this man, your family and ESPECIALLY this innocent child, really worth all of that? It shouldn't be.

One of the Many said...

My NYC communities of color are in severe crisis and part of the reason has to do with the generational breakdown of the family structure. Marriage is a compact, much like a semi-glue that should attempt to hold committed couples together, whether in a religious form or a state sanctioned one. When marriage is not part of the mutual equation and a woman decides to carry and raise a family without the father, it has ramifications far beyond her personal decision (although she may not think so at the time). In the long run, we see how the ease of two people in a relationship without any promise of being long-term committed to one another is working out in terms of single mom hardship and the moral decay of my beloved Black people-- especially our youth-- and it's not good. Laying with a man is not the issue-- but having sex without protection (especially because of our elevated HIV and STD rates) and having babies without dad being present full time is plain asking for a future of hard-knocks. I know-- I'm a single (albeit divorced) mom and it ain't easy, but at least the law forced him to provide me support as his ex-wife and custodian to the kids. At least I didn't have to put my children through the indignity of paternity tests and social services being all up in our business. Come on sisters, we can and must do better-- and I think that's what the article is all about; being responsible.

Dollarsdoug said...

A woman decides what she does with her own body. In regards to sex, she gives the man permission to have sex with her.

The key word here is accountability, something I rarely hear when it comes to this issue. Both must be held accountable for their actions, but too often I hear that it's the man's fault, when the woman gave him permission. She must also be made accountable for her part in the deed.

For a man, we must be much more discriminating as to whom we want to spend our time with. We can want to marry just any woman and make her our wife simply because it's the right thing. Look into her mind, not just her body.

A wise woman buildeth her house, while a fool teareth it down with her bare hands~Proverbs 14:1

This is a woman a man should search for when he wants a wife.

Whoever findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor from the LORD~Proverbs 18:22.

This is why a woman is seen as our better half. No man finds his future without a woman, so he must be wise about the woman he seeks.

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