Money Mistakes Black Women Make in Relationships

By Dr. Boyce Watkins
www.FinancialLovemaking.net

People fall in love every day. Some fall in love forever, and some just love the idea of falling in love. We are all familiar with the bliss and agony of love, and our mating, dating and procreating choices define much of the quality of our earthly existence.

But many of us love in all the wrong ways and make short-term choices with serious lifelong consequences. For long-term relationships, reality eventually sets in, and we learn that LOVING together means LIVING together. The thrill you once got from a long, seductive kiss is replaced by the excitement of a good home appraisal or bank account increase. Financial insecurity and emotional insecurity become one and the same, as we find there is a strong correlation between financial deception and emotional betrayal. A big part of living is MONEY. According to a study by the Council of Relationships, money is the number one reason for divorce. This alarming reality is a strong reminder that not discussing the financial and practical dimensions of your relationship can cause you a lifetime of misery.

Some consider it taboo to discuss love and money in the same sentence. I consider it ESSENTIAL. While we might mull all day over a potential mate’s emotional compatibility, sexual compatibility, professional compatibility and spiritual compatibility, most of us don’t spend one second thinking about financial compatibility. Many couples step into serious relationships and marriage without knowing their partner’s income levels, debt levels, credit score, retirement savings, or any of the other significant pieces of information that are going to have a dramatic effect on their love life. Merging your life with a financially irresponsible person is like putting your children into a car with a drunk driver. Once you are in the car, your fates are inextricably linked.

Money plays a huge role in our quality of life, emotional well-being, ability to raise our children properly or ability to spend time together. Money can either be a tool to enhance your love or a weapon to destroy it. Many people have seen their love and relationships ruined by financial problems, financial deception or financial exploitation. How we manage, confront and conceptualize the power of money plays a huge role in how our relationships evolve. That is what Financial Lovemaking is all about.

You think money doesn’t matter in a relationship? Well, here is just a small list of ways that someone could ruin your life financially:

• A partner with horrible credit could keep you from ever getting loan.
• A partner with terrible spending habits can ruin a family’s financial security.
• A partner with a substance abuse or other costly addiction could deplete a family’s assets.
• A partner with unhealthy connections to deadbeat relatives, who always need money, may drain your assets.
• A partner with an income that is too low due to a lack of education or poor professional choices could ruin you financially.
• A partner may steal money from you or borrow it without your permission and use it for something frivolous (i.e. a bad business investment, gambling, etc.)
• A partner who makes bad financial choices may get you into trouble with the IRS.
• A partner who decides to separate from you may end up dragging you and your money through a long and costly legal battle.

I just gave you the short list of ways that money directly impacts your love life. I am sure you can think of experiences you’ve had or those of your friends. In fact, I encourage you to visit our Financial Lovemaking blog to share your personal story on how love and money have impacted your life.

I am not here there to say there’s nothing going on but the rent. However, I can say that nothing else goes on if the rent is not being paid. So, good Financial Lovemaking is necessary for good love. Don’t forget that.

Dr. Boyce Watkins is a Finance Professor at Syracuse University and author of “Financial Lovemaking 101: Merging Assets with Your Partner in Ways that Feel Good.” He does regular commentary in national media, including CNN, NBC, CBS, MSNBC and BET. For more information, please visit www.FinancialLovemaking.net.

Congratulation To My Daughter Banke

One of the reasons that I am excited about Senator Obama’s candidacy for the Oval Office is his vision for our children. All of this nation's children should have the same educational opportunities to be all that they can be regardless of race and/or economic class.

Through God’s grace and great mercy my daughter Banke will receive a Masters in Education on May 17, 2008. Please rejoice, celebrate, and help me congratulate my youngest daughter as she reaches this wonderful achievement in her life.

Banke is 24 years young, gifted, and black. She is a 2005 graduate of the University of VA and has been employed as a teacher for three years.

It is my belief that as race of people African-Americans should rejoice, encourage, celebrate, comfort, and love each other. I hope that you enjoy reading the following post written by Banke on her facebook blog as much as I did.

May 13, 2008
"hip-Hop saved my life

Lupe said hip-hop saved his life and I am inclined to agree with him. When I think about all of the major events and phases and my life, hip-hop is the backdrop. I remember when my sister came home from Syracuse University so excited to play “Mo Money, Mo Problems”. Her enthusiasm was infectious. I laid on the living room floor and let the music wash over me. Perhaps this was my baptism into hip-hop. I remember my other sister telling me how everybody at Penn State went crazy whenever they heard, “f--- the state pen, f--- hoes at Penn State.”

I remember being a suburban kid who loved to visit her cousin on the weekend because she lived in the hood. We walked to the corner store, heard the cars blasting music, and thought this is what it’s like to be alive.
When that same suburban kid moved to the hood herself she wasn’t scared or sad because she was moving where the music came from.
I remember house parties and dancing on the wall and doing the cry baby.

My image of love was shaped by hip-hop. I remember hearing Mary and Meth thinking I hope to one day find a love like that. I haven’t, but that song still sets the standard for how I want to feel. I remember hearing Tupac and getting goose bumps. I felt how Elaine Brown felt when she met Huey P. Newton. What a genius what a maniac, I wanted a man like that.

I remember moving down south and hearing Timbaland constantly on the radio. My sister and I went crazy every time we heard “Love to Love Ya. I wanted “big lips and handle bars.” I remember bugging out over how crazy Missy was. I remember the WU album.

I learned about sexuality from hip-hop. LL taught me that if you’re going to do it, do it well. Lil’ Kim taught me the power that a woman holds in between her legs; Foxy Brown taught me how to use it.

I remember listening to We Are the Streets and Back for the First time non-stop in high school. I remember being rebellious, only putting my head up when I had headphones on.

I remember college and my southern boyfriend putting me on to the merits of Outkast. I remember my afrocentric soul sista putting me on the Jean Grae. I remember The Roots concert being sold out, madlib being bumped by the real hip-hop kids. I remember Lil’ Jon got the parties going crazy. I remember when Kayne first came out. He fed the soul of that suburban/hood/conscious/afrocentric bohemian I was becoming.

I remember just wanting to be a part of it. I read everything hip-hop. XXL was read cover to cover the first day it hit the newsstands. S---, it was college you know I didn’t have a subscription. I remember listening to everything they referenced as classic. I wanted to live, breathe, and sh-- hip-hop. I remember the rush I felt when my words and my name were in the newspaper—people reading MY reviews on the net.

I remember graduation and the panicky feeling I had. No job lined up, back to the Roc. I remember teaching kids from the same hood and wanting to shield them from every bad decision that could be made.

Now I am a seasoned teacher I’m out of love with hip-hop. I hate the fake thugs it creates, I hate the materialism it promotes, I hate seeing my female students sing along with songs that “let them lick the wrapper.”
But I could never hate hip-hop.

I use it to teach my students to think critically. Why do you like this? Why is this hot? What does it make YOU feel? So slowly hip-hop is putting me back under its spell. When I teach my students about a four count, and how to critique a beat and they get it, I get that feeling back.

Hip-hop raised me, and I haven’t grown up yet."

Vera Richardson is the author of “A Case of Racial Discrimination and Retaliation Real or Imagined." http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?r=1&EAN=9780615177014

Congratulation To My Daughter Banke

I am so proud and excited as I write this post. One of the reasons that I am also excited about Senator Obama’s candidacy for the Oval Office is his vision for our children. All of our children should have the opportunity to be all that they can be regardless of race and/or economic class.

Through God’s grace and great mercy my daughter Banke will receive a Masters in Education on May 17, 2008. Please rejoice, celebrate, and help me congratulate my youngest daughter Banke as she reaches this wonderful achievement in her life.

Banke is 24 years young, gifted, and black. She is a 2005 graduate of the University of VA and has been employed as a teacher for three years.

It is my belief that as race of people African-Americans should rejoice, encourage, celebrate, comfort, and love each other. Additionally, I hope that you enjoy reading the following post written by Banke on her facebook blog as much as I did.

May 13, 2008
"hip-Hop saved my life

Lupe said hip-hop saved his life and I am inclined to agree with him. When I think about all of the major events and phases and my life, hip-hop is the backdrop. I remember when my sister came home from Syracuse University so excited to play “Mo Money, Mo Problems”. Her enthusiasm was infectious. I laid on the living room floor and let the music wash over me. Perhaps this was my baptism into hip-hop.

I remember my other sister telling me how everybody at Penn State went crazy whenever they heard, “f--- the state pen, f--- hoes at Penn State.”

I remember being a suburban kid who loved to visit her cousin on the weekend because she lived in the hood. We walked to the corner store, heard the cars blasting music, and thought this is what it’s like to be alive.

When that same suburban kid moved to the hood herself she wasn’t scared or sad because she was moving where the music came from.

I remember house parties and dancing on the wall and doing the cry baby.

My image of love was shaped by hip-hop. I remember hearing Mary and Meth thinking I hope to one day find a love like that. I haven’t, but that song still sets the standard for how I want to feel. I remember hearing Tupac and getting goose bumps. I felt how Elaine Brown felt when she met Huey P. Newton. What a genius what a maniac, I wanted a man like that.

I remember moving down south and hearing Timbaland constantly on the radio. My sister and I went crazy every time we heard “Love to Love Ya. I wanted “big lips and handle bars.” I remember bugging out over how crazy Missy was. I remember the WU album.

I learned about sexuality from hip-hop. LL taught me that if you’re going to do it, do it well. Lil’ Kim taught me the power that a woman holds in between her legs; Foxy Brown taught me how to use it.

I remember listening to We Are the Streets and Back for the First time non-stop in high school. I remember being rebellious, only putting my head up when I had headphones on.

I remember college and my southern boyfriend putting me on to the merits of Outkast. I remember my afrocentric soul sista putting me on the Jean Grae. I remember The Roots concert being sold out, madlib being bumped by the real hip-hop kids. I remember Lil’ Jon got the parties going crazy. I remember when Kayne first came out. He fed the soul of that suburban/hood/conscious/afrocentric bohemian I was becoming.

I remember just wanting to be a part of it. I read everything hip-hop. XXL was read cover to cover the first day it hit the newsstands. S---, it was college you know I didn’t have a subscription. I remember listening to everything they referenced as classic. I wanted to live, breathe, and sh-- hip-hop. I remember the rush I felt when my words and my name were in the newspaper—people reading MY reviews on the net.

I remember graduation and the panicky feeling I had. No job lined up, back to the Roc. I remember teaching kids from the same hood and wanting to shield them from every bad decision that could be made.

Now I am a seasoned teacher I’m out of love with hip-hop. I hate the fake thugs it creates, I hate the materialism it promotes, I hate seeing my female students sing along with songs that “let them lick the wrapper.”

But I could never hate hip-hop.

I use it to teach my students to think critically. Why do you like this? Why is this hot? What does it make YOU feel? So slowly hip-hop is putting me back under its spell. When I teach my students about a four count, and how to critique a beat and they get it, I get that feeling back.

Hip-hop raised me, and I haven’t grown up yet."

Vera Richardson is the author of “A Case of Racial Discrimination and Retaliation Real or Imagined." http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?r=1&EAN=9780615177014

Star Jones Reynolds Statement on Bill OReilly

Bill O'Reilly said:

'I don't want to go on a lynching party against Michelle Obama

unless there's evidence, hard facts, that say this is how the woman

really feels. If that's how she really feels - that is a bad country or

a flawed nation, whatever - then that's legit. We'll track it down.'

Star said:



'I'm sick to death of people like Fox News host, Bill O'Reilly,

and his ilk thinking that he can use a racial slur against a black woman

who could be the next First Lady of the United States, give a half-assed

apology and not be taken to task and called on his crap



What the hell? If it's 'legit,' you're going to 'track it down?'

And then what do you plan to do? How dare this white man with a

microphone and the trust of the public think that in 2008, he can still

put the words 'lynch and party' together in the same sentence with

reference to a black woman; in this case, Michelle Obama? I don't care

how you 'spin it' in the 'no spin zone,' that statement in and of itself

is racist, unacceptable and inappropriate on every level.



O'Reilly claims his comments were taken out of context. Please

don't insult my intelligence while you're insulting me. I've read the

comments and heard them delivered in O'Reilly's own voice; and there is

no right context that exists. So, his insincere apology and

'out-of-context' excuse is not going to cut it with me.



And just so we're clear, this has nothing to do with the 2008

presidential election, me being a Democrat, him claiming to be

Independent while talking Republican, the liberal media or a

conservative point of view. To the contrary, this is about crossing a

line in the sand that needs to be drawn based on history, dignity, taste

and truth.



Bill, I'm not sure of where you come from, but let me tell you

what the phrase 'lynching party' conjures up to me, a black woman born

in North Carolina . Those words depict the image of a group of white men

who are angry with the state of the own lives getting together, drinking

more than they need to drink, lamenting how some black person has moved

forward (usually ahead of them in stature or dignity), and had the

audacity to think that they are equal. These same men for years, instead

of looking at what changes, should and could make in their own lives

that might remove that bitterness born of perceived privilege, these

white men take all of that resentment and anger and decide to get

together and drag the closest black person near them to their death by

hanging them from a tree - usually after violent beating, torturing and

violating their human dignity Check your history books, because you

don't need a masters or a law degree from Harvard to know that is what

constitutes a 'lynching party'



Imagine, Michelle and Barack Obama having the audacity to think

that they have the right to the American dream, hopes, and ideals.

O'Reilly must think to himself: how dare they have the arrogance to

think they can stand in a front of this nation, challenge the status quo

and express the frustration of millions? When this happens, the first

thing that comes to mind for O'Reilly and people like him is: 'it's time

for a party.'

Not so fast...don't order the rope just yet.

Would O'Reilly ever in a million years use this phrase with

reference to Elizabeth Edwards, Cindy McCain or Judi Nathan? I mean, in

all of the statements and criticisms that were made about Judi Nathan,

the one-time mistress turned missus, of former presidential candidate

Rudy Giuliani, I never heard any talk of forming a lynch party because

of something she said or did.



So why is it that when you're referring to someone who's

African-American you must dig to a historical place of pain, agony and

death to symbolize your feelings? Lynching is not a joke to off-handedly

throw around and it is not a metaphor that has a place in political

commentary; provocative or otherwise. I admit that I come from a place

of personal outrage here having buried my 90 year-old grandfather last

year. This proud, amazing African-American man raised his family and

lived through the time when he had to use separate water fountains, ride

in the back of a bus, take his wife on a date to the 'colored section'

of a movie theater, and avert his eyes when a white woman walked down

the street for fear of what a white man and his cronies might do if they

felt the urge to 'party'; don't tell me that the phrase you chose, Mr.

O'Reilly, was taken out of context.



To add insult to injury, O'Reilly tried to 'clarify' his

statements, by using the excuse that his comments were reminiscent of

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas' use of the term 'high-tech

lynching' during his confirmation hearing. I reject that analogy. You

see Justice Thomas did mean to bring up the image of lynching in its

racist context. He was saying that politics and the media were using a

new technology to do to him what had been done to black men for many

years -- hang him. Regardless of if you agreed with Justice Thomas'

premise or not, if in fact -- Bill O'Reilly was referencing it -- the

context becomes even clearer.



What annoys me more than anything is that I get the feeling

that one of the reasons Bill O'Reilly made this statement, thinking he

could get away with it in the first place, and then followed it up with

a lame apology in a half-hearted attempt to smooth any ruffled feathers,

is because he doesn't think that black women will come out and go after

him when he goes after us. Well, he's dead wrong. Be clear Bill

O'Reilly: there will be no lynch party for that black woman. And this

black woman assures you that if you come for her, you come for all of
us.'

-- Star Jones Reynolds